Weekday Wit

 

The ultimate superior

One day a sergeant comes back home and says to his wife: “Everything has changed in the army. From now on,” he adds, “We are free to follow the orders of our officers and we can discuss important matters with them.”

His wife answers: “That’s in the army. Here at home, there is none of that. Get up and wash the dishes!”

 

Clever eulogy

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to an orientation in Heaven.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference to our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

 

Bad choices

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” Immediately the Genie claps his hands with a deafening crash and the entire sea turns into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the Genie vanishes to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances. The other man looks disgustedly at the one whose wish was granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he speaks: “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

 

Slimy

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money is talking to his lawyer, “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” says the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that will prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge renders a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant leaves the courthouse, he says to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But, I did send them.”

“What? You did?” says the lawyer, incredulously.

“Yes. That’s how we won the case. It’s easy, I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

 

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